Give me your best shot

Had an extended session for cell yesterday which ended almost 1 a.m. Lots of things were shared and it was a quite intense time for me, with the pressure of knowing that we were all tired and had to work tomorrow. Just had so much random thoughts with no specific conclusions and I didn't know how to express what was inside my head. Which made me hold back for fear that I may sound shallow and angry. And I could feel the emotions just whelling up within that if I continued I might just cry.

There's just a lot of frustration within too. Like struggling to be a friend instead of a churchmate, a cell member, a cell leader. Don't want to be defined by what I am doing, ministries that I'm serving. I want to be who I am for what I am, not what I do. And honestly I feel that there's so much I can't do too. Not only in church but also in the area of my work. Just feel small and insignificant like so so so many times. And I am just so thankful for those who have prayed for me, supported me, encouraged me. I am just so touched that I am loved. But I also know that it's useless to feel defeated and small and to allow fear to paralyse me that I just stay out and not advance and move into where God is leading becuase my vision is blurred from the crying.

Also frustrated because I haven't walk the talk yet about valuing people. I think my earlier entry is what I really want but am still so far from it too. Because I have been more of a loner than one who's surrounded by friends in sch and work. I used to be so occupied thinking that I have to build deep relationships that I minimise the more superfical friendships. But over the years, even the seemingly deep relationships that I had with a couple of my friends have seen the water mark rising. And at those times, I begin to doubt who I am too. Why am I such a lousy friend. Why can't I just be more "loose" in my frienships. Be more daring to let people into my life, to give other a chance to leave their footprints in my life, to colour the world of others...

Sometimes I fear it's just a sudden spur of the moment thing. To want this so bad now but then to hold back and then let it fade into the background of life. To say this because it makes me sound like I really want to love but yet am still hesitant to make the effort, fearful to put myself out there and risk being hurt, disappointed, uncertain on how to get there.

And even as I read this, I'm still wondering if it makes any sense at all. Maybe I should just take one step at a time. God's strength and grace like His manna are good for only one day so that we can go to Him daily.