Give me your best shot

Had an extended session for cell yesterday which ended almost 1 a.m. Lots of things were shared and it was a quite intense time for me, with the pressure of knowing that we were all tired and had to work tomorrow. Just had so much random thoughts with no specific conclusions and I didn't know how to express what was inside my head. Which made me hold back for fear that I may sound shallow and angry. And I could feel the emotions just whelling up within that if I continued I might just cry.

There's just a lot of frustration within too. Like struggling to be a friend instead of a churchmate, a cell member, a cell leader. Don't want to be defined by what I am doing, ministries that I'm serving. I want to be who I am for what I am, not what I do. And honestly I feel that there's so much I can't do too. Not only in church but also in the area of my work. Just feel small and insignificant like so so so many times. And I am just so thankful for those who have prayed for me, supported me, encouraged me. I am just so touched that I am loved. But I also know that it's useless to feel defeated and small and to allow fear to paralyse me that I just stay out and not advance and move into where God is leading becuase my vision is blurred from the crying.

Also frustrated because I haven't walk the talk yet about valuing people. I think my earlier entry is what I really want but am still so far from it too. Because I have been more of a loner than one who's surrounded by friends in sch and work. I used to be so occupied thinking that I have to build deep relationships that I minimise the more superfical friendships. But over the years, even the seemingly deep relationships that I had with a couple of my friends have seen the water mark rising. And at those times, I begin to doubt who I am too. Why am I such a lousy friend. Why can't I just be more "loose" in my frienships. Be more daring to let people into my life, to give other a chance to leave their footprints in my life, to colour the world of others...

Sometimes I fear it's just a sudden spur of the moment thing. To want this so bad now but then to hold back and then let it fade into the background of life. To say this because it makes me sound like I really want to love but yet am still hesitant to make the effort, fearful to put myself out there and risk being hurt, disappointed, uncertain on how to get there.

And even as I read this, I'm still wondering if it makes any sense at all. Maybe I should just take one step at a time. God's strength and grace like His manna are good for only one day so that we can go to Him daily.

What do you value?

There's been a lot on my mind with the recent news of a dear sister and friend who's going to another church. On one hand I can totally under why she's moving, but on the other hand, I question if I have really been a friend or a mere fellow church mate to her. While I totally enjoy her company and have been blessed and in return she too have left footprints of her in my life but it got me wondering if I've been treating people from church as a church mate than a friend. Getting together only to have cell, to have meetings, seeing each other only in church, to talk about ministries, but not being friends. Friends who can just hang out together, chat, have fun, catch up on each other's lives, friend who can share without feeling condemantion like they will jump and preach at you. Friends were there are no need for fences, friends that you can let down your guard and know you'll still be accecpted, be loved, be treasured, be cherished.

And I think that's how I've been treating my cell members too. Concerned about their spiritual growth, that I neglect being their friend. Just wanting to pray with them, than just hang out with them. Not that praying together, spurring one another in our faith is not important but I feel that I have not treasured them as friends enough.

It was one of my new year resolutions to be more generous this year. Be it in my time, my affections, my energy, my resources, my abilities, with whatever I can give. And I want to spend more time with my friends, friends whom I may see so often but never had time to sit down and chat, friends from sch, friends from the past and my family.

One thing that I really value? Am I allowed to mention more than 1?
I value people. I value friendship. I value kinship.
I value people...

Happy Valentines's Day

This one's for you dear.

Put your head on my shoulder
Put your head on my shoulder
Hold me in your arms, baby
Squeeze me oh so tight
Show me that you love me too

Put your lips next to mine, dear
Won't you kiss me once, baby
Just a kiss goodnight, may be
You and I will fall in love

Some people say that love's a game
A game you just can't win
If there's a way
I'll find it someday
And then this fool will rush in

Put your head on my shoulder
Whisper in my ear, baby
Words I want to hear
Tell me, tell me that you love me too.

Some people say that love's a game
A game you just can't win
If there's a way
I'll find it someday
And then this fool will rush in

Put your head on my shoulder
Whisper in my ear, baby
Words I want to hear, tell me
Put your head on my shoulder

Chinese New Year didn't start on the note that I had expected. For some strange reason I was down with a very runny diarrhoea and vomiting. It's strange because I ate dinner like everyone else but no one was sick except me. No fair *pouts*
And just like that I had to suffer from countless visit to the toilet as I sing "loo, loo skip to my loo". No I correct myself I ought to be singing"loo, loo run to my loo"...

So I got MC for the day on CNY eve but wasted the day away just alternating between running to the loo and sleeping. Gosh I really need good health, shen ti jian kang. That's very important. And to think that I had to forgo such glorious food during this wonder festive season and missed all the delicacy that my grandma whipped up and had to be confined to soupy, clear, no fried, no oily food, which is non-existent in my grandma's place on CNY! The dishes she cooks are downright sinful and boy am I going for another round kind of food. And I missed the fireworks on CNY too coz I need to be within 3m of an empty toilet.

Well but thank God I am better now as I'm typing this entry. So I should be in a better form, regaining momentum to start my cny indulgence very soon. So pardon me if I grab the love letter from your hand or snatch the pineapple from your plate, but I'll remember to share.

The side effects of the author's sickness is indisputable, so let her have your food and dun argue.

Festive Mood

Had a very yummy lunch with Mayling today. She brought me to this Chinese eatery that served Rabbit brand sharksfin. I was still laughing the other day because I received a hamper with that particular brand of sharksfin and the only association I have with Rabbit brand is the sweet with the paper wrapper.

Anyway the sharkfin at $4.90 was really not bad. Came complete with udon and desert too. Oh and the beancurd was so good too. Found another good makan place. There's never a lack of good food here in Raffles Place.

And sharkfin's so irrestible that my mom actually cook it for dinner as well. What a coincidence and what a treat.

Chinese New Year eve tomorrow, hope that I get to knock off earlier. Apparently we only get to leave at 3pm, how can??? *pouts* And I'll be off to catch the fireworks at the River Ang Bao after my reunion Dinner. Just love the fire works.

Has an awful bout of stomachache today on my way to church. Hurt so pain, I was holding my tummy,cringing in the car seat while the tears flowed freely. Wasn't anyway I could go to church anymore so Alexis sent me home to rest. The pain was really unlike any other, it seemed like cramps but like a thousand times more painful.

Am okay now, but really made me quite scared. Coz you know it's not the pain that makes you want to run to the toilet, neither did it vanish after I popped some panadol. Makes you realize all the more how important health is.

Glad the exercise regime has so far taken off since the beginning of the year, thanks to my dear Alexis who's ever so determined to help me lose the pounds :p But to no avail however. He's too kind to allow me to indluge in KFC, chilli crab after eating that's why.

Oh and with Chinese New Year around the corner, how can you not indulge in good glorious food, accompanined by tasty goodies like bak kwa, pineapple tarts... So exercise regime will go on hold for a week. I'll be back for a vengence. *Muahaha*

I've gone back to good old penning down thoughts and random ramblings in diary instead of blogging days.

Anyway bumped into a couple of old friends these few days. Perhaps God's nudging me in what I've been praying for, revival. Revival is never without the turning of hearts to God for those who know the Lord and more so for those who haven't. It's all about souls, lives, hearts. Been praying for souls, praying for overcrowding in church, in FNL service and in heaven :)But I'm sure there's room for more in heaven.

While I'm praying for revival, I'm also praying for boldness and confidence in the Lord to share the gospel fearlessly. Had the opportunity to invite my colleague to church for our Easter drama. Yes did realise that it's more than a month away, but it was a good ice breaker. Want to be the salt and the light in where I am, be it my home, work or community.